The Sweaty Palms of Shame
Two sentence summary of this post:
The fear of shame often persists even after thorough preparation because nervousness isn't a sign of inadequacy, but rather that what you're doing matters to you. The only way to overcome this fear is to continuously step outside your comfort zone, accept the discomfort as part of growth, and trust that you've done enough to handle whatever comes next.
You step on stage. Lights are bright the crowd murmurs, yet your attention is hyper focused onto the silence around you. You start to hear your heart pounding faster by every second. Trying to regain hold of your thoughts seems impossible and the opening eludes you. The famous line “His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweater already, Mom's spaghetti“ becomes relatable.
You snap out of it since it’s only Tuesday afternoon and the event won’t take place until Friday. But it felt all too real.
Take a step out of the comfort zone
Even great speakers feel nervous during the immediate moments before stepping on stage. Some of them share this insight occasionally, but you can also notice signs if you listen closely. During a recent conference it was audible how a facilitator’s voice was shaking. They had decades of experience spanning across industries and I’m positive it wasn’t their first event as a speaker.
Yet the moment was incredibly human. A demigod-like professional experiencing the exact same feeling as I would in their position. I felt so empathetic that my imagination sat me next to them to see what they were seeing. The hall was crammed with people, all listening to them. The feeling became an in-body experience as memories rushed back to me.
My biggest heart racing experience was to present a complete business plan in an auditorium packed with 250 people. Without a microphone. Imagine that for a second. Looking back I remember the exact moment I started speaking as I held onto my dear plastic pen so firmly, I nearly snapped it. The feeling never vanished even though my job required me to facilitate calls every three weeks including 100 people. I just learned to manage nervousness.
There’s an event coming up in a month where I’ll present a business problem in front of 80 marketing professionals who will be there to poke holes in my execution. That’s the whole reason I signed up. To be challenged. The preparation phase started already and it brought up the following question. Why do I feel nervous so far ahead an event that’s going to be fun in the end?
My answer is the fear of shame that’s hanging over like an axe.
Practice creates confidence
There are two possibilities. You either prepare for important occasions or you don’t. We will skip being unprepared for today, but ask yourself honestly: why on earth would you do that? Not being prepared on purpose. Please be responsible.
The other route is that you spend time on what matters and do your research, formalize a plan and then practice like crazy. Because it matters to you in the first place. You go above and beyond, don’t you? I’m sure you do. What you might know already is that when you start, you’ll feel like you know nothing.
The mountain will tower in front of you like an impossible challenge. Yet, as this isn’t your first rodeo, you also know that breaking down the problem at hand into smaller chunks will make it more manageable. You'll be inspired by the building blocks and discover new ways to solve it.
You learned all this by experiencing your strength in solving complex questions. Now you have to tap into feeling that confidence again.
So what’s up with being nervous, even though you prepared as well as you could? These moments have a tendency to create a crooked mirror within our minds to amplify our imperfections. Everyone’s imperfect. The major difference is how you handle the thought of having imperfections when performance is on the line.
This is where the fear of shame comes to dance. Feeling afraid of a possibly shameful failure in the future is your mind playing tricks on you to drag you back to the safe comfort zone that’s seemingly safe and poses no threat.
You know where I’m going with the idea. That imaginary safety is always a lie. Also, the possible negative consequences are exaggerated in our minds. I mean, it might happen that we make a mistake, and yes, that might feel embarrassing. But the last time I made a mistake and checked, the earth beneath me didn’t crack open and the birds also kept singing. I’ve been living happily ever since, and I’m proud that I challenged myself.
How to expand the comfort zone intentionally
There’s no room to grow inside the comfort zone. I’ve known this for a long time and am very conscious about expanding mine. There's fun in expansion, even though it's uncomfortable every time I embark on it. That’s the point, isn’t it? To have fun, I mean. Always repeating what’s comfortable feels dull to me.
The wonderful benefit of continuously stepping out of your comfort zone is that it will reduce the fear of feeling ashamed. Especially since it might only live in your head because you sabotage yourself by not even trying. In those cases where you stay in your comfort zone, your fear might turn into regret instead. Feeling regret might become heavier in the long run, consider that.
Here’s how I go about expansion: first and foremost I continuously look for challenges, then create a plan on how to prepare myself to solve them. I fell deeply in love with the current question to remain motivated about finding the solution. Until this point I admit what I can tackle alone with my existing expertise.
I also learned to ask for help. As soon as I notice a new element is over my head and my emotional reactions start to be all around the place, I bring that topic to my coach in our personal development process. Yes, I never stop learning from that aspect either as I think that’s like a cheat code to understand myself better and become my better self gradually.
Here’s a little challenge for you: name one thing that you’re confident in. Try to think of ways to improve it. Yes, you still have room to grow even if you feel entirely competent. If you can’t come up with an answer yourself, ask for feedback from the most honest person within your circle who knows you. They might even surprise you.
Here's how not to go about challenges: don't go unprepared, ever. That won’t help you in connecting the dots. You see, if you go prepared and do everything in your power to become as ready as you can be, you’ll be able to see what could be improved after the current experience and before the next one. You’ll have valuable data that you can work on with precision. My recommendation is to do that. You will supercharge your progress if you keep at it.
In closing, I'd like to remind you that it’s okay to feel the discomfort, that’s part of growth. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable. It means that you’re trying something new which feels foreign at that moment. Those moments always pass. As you practice more and more, you will be at peace with the discomfort and learn to manage it as well.
It’s perfectly okay to ask for support. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. While I believe everyone is their own best expert, I’m also a big believer in asking for help to create change together. It’s comforting to have someone by our side as we go through transitions. If you’re feeling motivated to expand your comfort zone and curious about how I can support you on your journey, let’s talk.
