Realize What to Look for
Active listening is weaving layers together in coaching as a core competency. It’s funny though, how you cannot put your finger on it, what it really is. As I was conducting my research for my second thesis on coaching, the notion kept on challenging me, that you shouldn’t even mention it. Why? Because you cannot market it. It means absolutely nothing on its own, only in each session’s context.
Yet if you hop on LinkedIn, sure as hell it will pop-up on people's profiles, because it’s a sought-after skill. Rightfully, might I add when our attention span is declining by the day.
The contradiction bugged me for so long to become inspiration. I promise you, if you’ve never felt active listening before, you will still have to experience it first hand. But you might learn a thing or two about my journey so far and how I got here, to entertain this thought process for a morning.
Ears, eyes, silence
My parents were extraordinary in the sense of how they utilized listening. Together they predicted which song would become a massive commercial success. Then they optimized CD inventory to be able to supply surges in demand when they happened. They’ve spent an ungodly amount of time listening to fresh music. Often from unknown artists across all sorts of genres. All that is to predict consumer behavior. They didn’t specialize, but rather provided solutions to people who didn’t even know they had a question in their heads a week before.
They were also musicians at heart, both metaphorically and literally. True artists in a lovely way, never to realize their own commercial success from that path of life.
Growing up as a kid I repeatedly was like a duckling near them when they listened. I didn’t realize back then, but I became so deeply infused with the skill that it became my mojo. Actively searching for and listening to music, then sharing valuable findings with the world. Like an uncategorized love language.
I wasn’t a ‘typical‘ boy running around with infinite blistering energy, jumping from bookshelves and whatnot. My go-to activity was observation or building Legos. Preferably the latter if anyone asked. When I wondered around looking for something interesting, I picked up on how grownups spent their time. Luckily for me, I was surrounded with great people who unintentionally showed me the value of being silent and remaining open to listening.
Paths unwalked
The natural progression from speakers and headphones concluded by watching TV. Staring at daily news was strictly prohibited (excellent choice) which left me two interesting alternatives. One was cartoons - obviously - or a far more engaging option, Animal Planet with prime Steve Irwin in the spotlight. I mean, come on! The guy had such magnetic energy that his presence practically filled in any room he set foot in.
For my young self it became mesmerizing how he handled all sorts of venomous snakes. As soon as I could read, I asked for books that would be written about reptiles. I started to study facts like a monk because he became my idol. I learned by heart that the Gaboon Viper has the longest fangs among the snakes and that it’s highly advised to leave it alone if encountered in the wild. I went through this one book so many times that the pages started to fall out.
One particular skill he had was unwavering attention in vital situations. I would call venomous snake handling vital. I wanted to follow in his footsteps, becoming a Zoologist, specialized in dangerous snakes. I was determined to do so for years; no one could talk me out of it. Until another device arrived in my life, that ran on electricity. I definitely start to see a pattern here.
Playing video games on PC was like opening Pandora’s box. Some of the evils were definitely let loose, not going to deny it. For years it was purely gaming as a hobby or downtime. But as Lego collections sadly vanished from the kid’s bedroom, a new interest emerged. ‘How does it work?’ - I wondered as it beeped and lit up.
It took years to gather courage to build the first one, entirely on my own. For a long period of time, I didn’t watch Netflix; I watched YouTube tutorials on what it takes to build it. It felt scary because it involved electricity, and I learned pretty early on as a child that electricity is exactly like venomous snakes. Leave untouched if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Yeah, not entirely true in this case. It turned out that PC building is exactly like Legos. If you take your time to read, it’s virtually impossible to cause harm. Learn the basic rules, read the manual, and you’ll be golden. It’s also encouraged to ask for help. Majority of the PC building community is actually supportive; they will be thrilled to share their hobby with anyone who has the interest to learn.
I love to build, even when it’s frustrating to plug in connectors in nooks and crannies. I’ve never cursed more vividly than when I have to start connecting PSU cables to CPU sockets on the motherboard. The whole building process can create an effortless flow state that enables deep focus. It’s a one-of-a-kind experience.
Forging on a dream
In hindsight, it was inevitable for me to become a software tester. Everything above proved to be useful in a profession where I had to understand different stakeholders speaking on a ‘language that is of Mordor’ as a newbie. I had to become a quick study especially so that I graduated as a business administration and management major. Noticeable differences between the two.
Team and business behavioral patterns are recognizable if you listen closely. Learning differences on what’s important often depends on nuances. Which will become useful when you have to start deciding on what’s actually important to work on. Because projects tend to differentiate binarily. It either needs to be done by yesterday, or it won’t be done at all. Everything in between is up for discussion and is usually there to uphold an administrative surface. Of course I’m exaggerating, but if you know, you know.
Around that time, I started to spread my wings in tech, I don’t remember how but crossed my path with coaching when I wrote my first thesis. It clicked immediately. I never had the stamina to start and finish a full psychology program but wanted to better understand human behavior. Specifically, what can drive us towards goals and how it could be enabled better. That was my yet another revelation what my profession should be for the long run. So, I jumped right back to university to learn.
Only to get flat-footed right before the last step, writing my thesis and taking my final exam. I knew pretty well how the end would look like when I started but refused to cooperate. I showed my progress so far into the drawer it didn’t see the sunlight for years. I didn’t talk about it with anyone. Only my patient wife nudged me every beginning of the semester if I’d be willing to stop acting childish. I refused. I wasn’t ready.
It all changed last September. My dream popped back into my mind, so I took a serious look at how else I could handle the mess of procrastination. The answer was to treat as it should’ve been in the first place, like a proper project. For good measure, I included launching my own coaching practice as well if I was at it anyway. But to explore this further, it will need a dedicated tale.
In the center of it all was always silent presence as it is in the coaching practice.
It’s perfectly okay to ask for support. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. While I believe everyone is their own best expert, I’m also a big believer in asking for help to create change together. It’s comforting to have someone by our side as we go through transitions. If you’re feeling motivated to expand your comfort zone and curious about how I can support you on your journey, let’s talk.
