Waited on to get back your attention. Didn’t mention your ex though, yet it might have turned out that way. Sorry, or you’re welcome, do something about it. See how fickle thoughts can be. Easily swayed by seemingly random expressions.
The child, the parent and the bench
I’m usually a rather laid-back person, minding my own business. From the outside it might even seem like I’m bored. I rarely am. I’m either observing something that’s out of my control to gather data that might prove to be useful someday or do the same thing within my head by connecting dots between often unrelated events. Typical introverted stuff I reckon.
The inspiration to this piece was a picture of a child sitting with their father on a bench. The child seemed to have the best time of their lives. The father? Less so, he seemed to be troubled. There was one key difference in the picture. Their thoughts.
The father was contemplating about X = serious, fatherly stuff like finances, career and the family itself. (See, I had other intentions, truly). Maybe a hobby or two. Yet the child had nothing on their mind besides their shared present moment on that bench. Living it to the fullest even in their head.
I tend to catch myself in the same shoes as that father. Sometimes not just for a few minutes. I promised myself not to become a parent like that. But it’s tricky. Just like a lot of other forces during parenthood. Not as easy as it seemed from below.
So why can’t we?
Because we’re adults with responsibilities. That’s a given. Note how you also wanted to become a responsible adult one time at least during your childhood. Yet I’m struggling to remember when and who made an effort in my youth to teach me about the importance of catching thoughts on their flights. Besides Yoda in Star Wars.
Important distinction, however, is that when you want to look around for an adult as you’re desperate for assistance, you should be able to realize that you’re one as well now. This ultimately leads to accountability. Being in charge of decisions. Empowering, if you think about it. You just have to tilt your head a little to shift perspectives.
When you realize your current role and accept it, you become free to move forward. Choose the speed even.
Catch all, don’t collect
Thoughts, I mean. That’s a neat, completely free in your current arsenal type of trick that you could start to utilize right now. No pricey training required.
Catch what goes through your head, label them as thoughts, and shift back to reality. You see until you prove that they are facts; they are living only in your head. If you can’t act on them right at that moment, you might as well focus on what’s in front of you. Hopefully something that should make you happy and you worked hard already to achieve it. It’s even better to write them down. Frees up mental capacity.
Observing thoughts will make wonders, trust yourself as you practice. Am I sitting on a high-horse here? I’m almost born natural at it. Decades of playing video games helped me to acquire occasional laser focus, if nothing else. How do I utilize this skill? Sometimes spiraling into overthinking! Don’t do that. Instead, try to come up with a system. I’ll share mine for ideation.
Looping my attitude back here. A telltale sign of not being present is a change in my emotional state. If I feel tense or riled up, that’s the cue to practice accountability. I’m responsible for what I think of, not my line of thought. Immediately after I can state this to myself, I can make an effort to let the thought pass. That’s it. The catch? To be able to actually grab the idea by its neck and not let it spiral. That takes conscious practice without a goal line.
It won’t feel like you’re progressing for a while as you’ll get side-railed during your efforts more often than on a meeting that could’ve been an email. Keep at it and be patient.
Oh yes, if a thought about your ex remains with you for this ride, now is a good time to practice what’s above. Happy catching. Then let them go.
Some transitions are easier with a witness. Not someone steering, just someone present, reflecting back what you already know but can't quite see from inside it. That's the kind of support I believe in, and the kind I offer. If you're curious what that could look like for whatever you're moving through right now, I'd welcome a short conversation to see if there's a fit.
Kids grow into the space you give them, including the parts you didn't mean to pass down. Online parenting coaching helps you notice what's actually being handed along.
