Silence is a Wonderful Enabler
We don’t know what to do with silence. Just think about this for a long second: when was the last time you’ve spent comfortable minutes with someone in complete stillness? Without achieving anything particularly important. Just being, heck even thinking. Scrolling through social media doesn’t count.
There’s a moment we all know too well. A pause in the meeting. An elevator ride where nobody speaks. The dinner table when conversation flattens. Our minds start to push us: say something. Be the brave one, and fill the void.
That urge points to a common fear of silence. Silence is revealing but it reveals more about our own insecurities if we let ourselves to become vulnerable. Without noise, we can allow our minds to wander and notice what’s really present in the moment: our rambling thoughts, our heavy (or unnoticeable) breath, a slight agitation. We may notice each other more, too.
There’s another way to look at it: silence is not a void we must fill. It’s a space that can build confidence, deepen attention, and let the right words arrive. When they become ready.
This is a story about three kinds of quiet I live with: the awkward everyday pause, a Saturday afternoon with my child, and the still point in a coaching conversation when someone starts to think for themselves. Each shows a different face of silence. All three enable something good.
Being quiet is uncomfortable
Think about the last time you over-explained yourself. Or laughed a bit too loudly. Or happily accepted the first answer in a meeting because the previous ten seconds felt too long (in reality it might have been only five). That was the fear of silence doing its work. It pushes us to move fast, to trade depth for comfort.
When I catch myself longing to fill air, I try to challenge myself: label the pause. Not awkwardly out loud, but rather internally. “I notice, this is a pause. It’s safe to wait”. I allow myself to consciously observe. My current feeling and emotion, and how I connect with my surroundings.
When I first realized and started this practice it fascinated me. I honestly thought that it would become visible for others as well, but no. People tend to pay attention to themselves and the ‘awkwardness‘ of silence. Often, they reveal the very idea they wanted to hide. Just not to sit in silence.
If this feels hard for you, you’re not alone. Quiet can feel uneasy because it invites presence. You’ll immediately arrive where you are at that moment, in relation with others and yourself as well. If the relationship is uncomfortable you’ll realize that soon enough in silence.
I wrote earlier about slowing and enjoying my silence when I can. The process identified itself like a longer, patient patience that becomes a path back to yourself. I think it’s important because you have to learn how to be comfortably silence in your own presence first.
If you want an example of slow done right, here’s a piece on BBQ smoking as relaxation. A ritual that demands my attention, not a quick fix.
Records, laughter, attention - building habits
Fridays changed drastically in recent years. Instead of pubs and loud conversations I get to enjoy unfiltered alone time with my child. They started to become old enough to request activities. To my heart’s biggest desire, we started to listen to music on an old record player. You know the type where you usually listen to an entire ‘side‘ without skipping tunes.
If you know how little children function then you know that sitting still is basically impossible. Instead of stillness we mix & match programs: have a listening party while also rocking the house. Playing football and handball is mandatory while we also love play hide & seek or catch.
On the surface everything is a loud and exhilarating blur. You blink twice and we sit at the dinner table to wind down for the night, catching our breaths. What they don’t consciously realize is that I’m very keen on listening while we play as well.
Not the words necessarily but how they are expressing themself. What they want to do next and if they’re having the right amount of fun. There’s infinite amount of information in those little pauses and how they handle their expressions around needs. If I do a good enough job I can tell if they had enough and I need to step-up my game again with a different activity. Or bring everything to a halt to recollect our breaths.
Of course my mind can play tricks on me and therefore I have to be vigilant not to think about my spreadsheets when laughter can’t wait. I wrote a piece around how to regain control over attention when it matters, you may find it here.
When I learned to be confident as a parent I noticed that there’s a certain level of fear behind silence sometimes. I didn’t want to waste time for a long time. I thought that it might be seen as such. As if play only counts when it teaches something obvious. But the quiet minutes between songs, the careful placing of a block, the shared glance after a collapse, those are the quiet seconds where our bond strengthens. The bond where we both build confidence. Me, in letting go of control. Them, in learning to be seen, heard, and capable.
How silent thinking connects dots in coaching
There’s an unmistakable moment in self-development. When answers get shorter, only to make them heard. Eyes become fixated onto a far point in space or even closed for a brief moment. Time slows down. Gears are turning and one of the most important focus settles.
I protect and quietly cherish that moment. My only job then is to stay quiet and let clients do their own work. For them, I don’t even exist anymore, I don’t have to for a bit. This is what I practiced for a long time. To be confidently silent knowing that trust is doing its job.
When someone is quiet like this, they’re not lost. They’re facing themselves. They’re starting to understand how everything until that point in time is connected. And when they do, you can almost hear that even through silence. That quiet click that symbolizes acceptance.
It’s perfectly okay to ask for support. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. While I believe everyone is their own best expert, I’m also a big believer in asking for help to create change together. It’s comforting to have someone by our side as we go through transitions. If you’re feeling motivated to expand your comfort zone and curious about how I can support you on your journey, let’s talk.
