Appreciate Effort Before It Eludes
TL;DR:
Small everyday frustrations, like loading the dishwasher, often point to a deeper need for appreciation and connection. When Susan and her husband began intentionally thanking each other for the little things, their relationship started to soften, one awkward smile at a time.
It was a regular session when Susan (you sensed it right, it’s not her real name) and I started to talk about her marriage, it being in a slump. She was noticeably more fidgety than usual as she was trying to guide my attention elsewhere. You know the kind, when somebody’s explaining a point without ever touching it, throwing up a smokescreen.
She knew what she wanted to talk about, what her heart’s desire was, but she needed time to arrive safely. To become brave enough to share it with me, even though we had been working with each other for weeks now.
When we arrived at the most everyday task that she kept doing, loading the dishwasher, that is, she stopped briefly.
We arrived at the edge, but the biggest task is always the leap of faith.
The dishwasher sees frustration
Just as with parents who are doing their best to keep the family together during the first three years after a child is born, their marriage got exiled to give space for diaper changes. It is entirely noble and understandable but can slowly sit on a slippery slope of detachment. When everything becomes more important.
Chores are excellent ways to unearth tension. On the one hand, you can channel frustration into hoovering. On the other hand, you can easily become furious that your significant other is a couch potato and didn’t help you clean the floor this time either.
When Susan started to talk about the annoyance of loading the dishwasher differently than her husband, who did his best to balance his work and presence in their life, her voice started to pick up pace and grow louder. Then, all of a sudden, she stopped and started to stare at her desk.
“And you know, he never says thank you.”
Susan had told me before that she admired her husband's efforts, so I felt contradiction. As the air became chilly, I noticed she looked at me in despair, almost beggingly. She ran out of ideas under the shadows, not knowing what to reach out for.
I told her what I saw in her eyes and asked:
“What would you need to feel better?”
“Appreciation,” she told me.
The crumbling bridge
The problem with sitting on our slopes is that they rarely slant in the same direction, meaning that once we start sliding, the moon might feel closer than our souls. At this point, we tend to forget that there’s someone else who’s also struggling.
So, we continued.
“How would you feel appreciated?” I asked.
“I need to hear him say thank you,” she admitted, almost whispering.
“Have you told him that?”
Susan’s gaze got stuck on the horizon, then she looked down again.
“I can’t remember.”
When Susan realized she was in it too and they had both lost connection to each other, that moment gave the agency back to her. She could decide not to act on the feeling and let her husband come to her first, knowing all too well that he had been hurting alone for a while now. But she didn’t.
Someone had to break the spell and start rebuilding the connection.
Smiles and appreciation
With the session’s end arriving, I asked Susan what was going to change this week, and she told me they would sit down to talk without distractions, to create a plan of mutual appreciation.
May it sound stupidly simple, but she seemed determined to put theory into practice by carving out time to appreciate the smallest of things, once a day at least, and involve her husband in the practice. You guessed it right, loading the dishwasher, for example.
She left the session motivated.
Two weeks later, when we met again, I asked how the plan was going so far, and I saw joy in her eyes.
“There’s progress!” she told me. It was the most awkward thing at first to stop once a day, sit down, and look at each other in the eye to say thank you for taking out the trash. But the toughest part was to remember to make an effort to break the cycle of ignorance.
“But we also started to smile more, and that surprised both of us. Well, mostly out of awkwardness,” she continued, but suddenly stopped and looked at me.
“That’s it?” she asked.
“I mean, if it works, what else would you need?” I asked while we both started to smile.
It’s perfectly okay to ask for support. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. While I believe everyone is their own best expert, I’m also a big believer in asking for help to create change together. It’s comforting to have someone by our side as we go through transitions. If you’re feeling motivated to expand your comfort zone and curious about how I can support you on your journey, let’s talk.
Some days you're improvising and calling it instinct. Online parenting coaching is where you turn the improvising into something steadier.
