The Problem With Coaching
TL;DR:
A 15-minute chatbot conversation broke a two-year stall with a book, but also showed why we need each other to turn struggle into accomplishment. Real change can only happen in the presence of someone with a nervous system, and coaching is a great example of that.
Imagine a door that protects everything you could ever wish for. This door is ordinary, but once you step through, it multiplies, forever.
16 years ago, I was obsessed with my own personal development, completed tests like my life depended on them to precisely map my entire personality. I knew that I was an INFJ on MBTI and predominantly Green followed closely by Blue on DISC. I became confident in my ability to conquer the world because I had the private manual to myself.
If you’ve ever tried to manage your personal, business, and family life all at once while trying not to break down after hearing the question “how are you?”, you know it’s more nuanced than that.
Last week I made a breakthrough after being stuck for more than 2 years with a book because I had a 15-minute conversation with a chatbot called ‘r.’* Ironic, isn't it?
We want to be witnessed
The conversation started effortlessly. I typed in my name, decided how I wanted it to accompany me, and shared the book I was currently reading. I also shared that I started to read this book two years ago and that I felt stuck with it.
Sharing with r. that I was stuck felt almost weightless. I knew it didn’t care in a way a professional could, and it enabled me to share most of my thoughts easily. When we got to a vulnerable point, I refused to answer for two reasons.
I know that what I share in a conversation like that won’t stay between “us”, having no idea who might be reading my answers. I also felt I had no human witness to share my progress with. I felt alone.
Having this brief conversation enabled me to see that reading a book pales in comparison to what else I have to work on every day. This realization showed me that I simply decided not to read it; out of stubbornness, I didn’t want to change.
I never had issues with motivation or work ethic; I could easily build my entire website alone because I wanted to. Yes, I have an affinity to technology, but I’ve never built a website before; this was my first time. I still had to sit down, learn, and then build it.
If you didn't decide to change, then you simply won’t. No matter who you work with. That stubbornness is just a cover though, and behind that cover lives shame.
The vulnerability of sharing
We are funny creatures like that. We can feel deeply ashamed for admitting that we struggle but really want to admit it in a caring and safe partnership. We want to feel seen and heard.
To me this has become a no brainer, to share my honest struggles with someone who has a nervous system, because when you finally decide to take the jump of sharing your most vulnerable side, it’s liberating to feel that you’re not alone anymore.
It’s frightening that a stranger might truly witness you before you become “fixed.” The ironical problem with coaching is that if you decide not to share what feels shameful, you might remain stuck in front of the door.
The excuse usually sounds like “this feels too vulnerable to share, I’m not ready to take this off my chest as it’s part of my identity.” In that case you have already made a decision about what not to change.
It sounds counterintuitive, but our struggle can define us just as well as our accomplishments. I could have a lovely conversation with my bookworm wife about my inability to read one book, for example.
If the idea works for such a minor interest, imagine how deceiving it can be when it comes to personality shifts or career advancement. Change is uncomfortable and I’m sure you get nosebleed from the comfort zone motivational quotes; I won’t give you one.
Where sky meets the sea
After our conversation I became interested in finishing the book because my curiosity has been woken up by simply having a different perspective and being able to imagine that I was in a similar situation to the protagonist.
But just as with a real coaching session, the chatbot couldn’t finish what it started for me. After I closed the laptop, I had to pick up the book and sit down to read. Sounds simple enough but remember, I failed to do so for more than two years.
This very nature of what coaching can enable was brought up in a conversation with a colleague who I admire, thinking together about the question of what coaching can enable and how to put it concisely. This is what we got:
“Coaching will enable you to prevent days' worth of pre-sleep overthinking. In an hour.”
But that can only work if you want to change and want to put in the work yourself, to take responsibility. Coaching can only take you to the door; you must step through it.
Are you ready to be seen?
It’s perfectly okay to ask for support. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. While I believe everyone is their own best expert, I’m also a big believer in asking for help to create change together. It’s comforting to have someone by our side as we go through transitions. If you’re feeling motivated to expand your comfort zone and curious about how I can support you on your journey, let’s talk.
Full disclaimer:
I’m a professional coach myself, but I can’t decide for you what to share or change, I can only take you to the door, you must step through it. I can make you feel safe doing so, however.
*This was not an ad; I simply became inspired by a fellow coach's work who built an interesting piece of technology. I care for my fellow builders and coaches who build on their own, after hours when nobody’s watching, and I empathize with the feeling of lack of feedback, because I was there myself, and it can be lonely as hell.
If you have 15 minutes to spare, visit readwithr. and have a conversation about a book you might be reading or you’re currently stuck with then share your honest (and constructive!) feedback with Zoe. Receiving such feedback can reignite motivation like you cannot even imagine.
Thank you, if you do so!
If part of you is already weighing a change, that instinct is worth taking seriously. Online career coaching is a space to stress-test it before you commit.
