How To Become A Better Listener
TL;DR:
We lose arguments because we lose connection with each other. We never learned to listen while hurting. Listening with empathy helped us and my my clients to reconnect.
Last week was the fifth anniversary of our marriage. We laughed about how childish we were five years ago (let alone ten, when our relationship started, sheesh), not knowing what marriage was going to look like. We sat down together to reflect on how we arrived at our present tense.
You see, marriage is easy. It's natural when both of you are laughing together and some people will despise you for how easy it might seem.
On the flipside, it's only the two of you who know how tough it is to grow and stay together sometimes. Because it's not always sunny in California.
I won't give you advice on marriage, but I share what might be blocking you from listening better. This is what I swear by personally and professionally. This is what kept our marriage together when it was brutal, and what allows me to make my clients feel heard even with the Atlantic Ocean between us.
Internally Blocked Listening
Your ego is among the reasons that can prevent you from becoming a better listener. Everyone was primed to let their voices out; that's how we all survived infancy.
As we started to grow up, we found ourselves in systems that were the opposite. We were forced to keep our mouths shut because we became part of orderly communities requiring silence. Tell that to a rapidly developing brain.
Leaving the system involved rebelling; this is how you started connecting with your own self, which meant you practiced how to articulate your ideas freely. It was you who was important, not your environment — rightfully. Finding your voice this way was vital for a healthy ego, but you were not taught how to find balance between expressing yourself and letting others be heard in the same conversation.
So, your ego did prioritize you to the detriment of others — let there be friction. Apply this to – let's say – marriage, and you just brewed yourself an emotional storm where egos can collide.
Within those stormy moments you can recognize your internal monologue shouting what you think or – better yet – what you feel. You should listen to it, but this is where relationships break, because we didn't learn there's another ego that's simultaneously hurting, one that just wants to be heard.
Listening To Respond
At the crossroads of whose ego is more important, we instinctively choose ours. Let's stay within this single lane, shall we?
During arguments, when the internal voice gets louder, our ability to listen decreases; Gottman calls this flooding. This can quickly spiral: we hear only what we want to hear, using it out of context to hit back. A peaceful argument can quickly turn into quicksand dragging both egos down to being hurt, and before long you're shouting.
You see where this goes. Everyone's right on their own terms and there's no adult at the helm, steering the situation gently toward solving the original disagreement.
There's a way out though, but – as with all good things – it requires effort. We have a natural superpower that can be used as a north star: our empathy.
Presence Changes Outcomes
The only thing that helped us was learning to listen to each other with empathy, sending our own hurt ego to the bench for a few minutes. In the early years this was tricky for us for different reasons; my wife was somewhat detached under pressure (avoidant) and I was an Excel guy (dismissive).
A perfectionist client brought up the same problem; they and their partner just couldn’t connect emotionally when they both got flooded. When I asked what their ego needed, they could imagine how detached they became and stopped defending. When they included how their spouse might feel, they found a crack in a wall that had seemed solid and for the first time there was space to feel hurt together.
Before responding with the full force of emotions, this is what you can also try:
Listen to your mind and be compassionate with yourself. You're allowed to feel your feelings and have your opinion. You can take turns sharing. It helps to have pen and paper ready to write down what your partner is saying. Don't use them as weapons; use them to ask honestly: "Did I hear correctly that you're angry with me for not taking the trash out?"
Listen with your ears and hear how they talk. After a while you will hear the difference. A subtle shake in their voice can mean anger but can also mean uncertainty. You can always ask if you understand correctly. Again, try not to use information against them, but to paint an emotional picture.
Focus on your presence and try to imagine how they feel. You might feel something similar; you need to create space together to share those feelings safely. To start, you can imagine yourself in their position. How would you feel if you were them?
By shifting your focus onto them, your ego steps aside. If a feeling comes to mind, that's great — you can start talking about how you feel. As you focus on each other's feelings and let them be heard calmly, tension will ease.
We learned to recognize and name our feelings both internally before speaking, and externally to communicate assertively.
We both started to arrive at our hearts more often, which resulted in more emotional conversations where we could listen to how our egos felt, what they really needed from each other.
The way I listen to my wife is like how I listen to my clients to help them connect with their egos honestly – without shame – and becoming able to vocalize how they truly feel. The biggest difference is that they don't have to understand my feelings. Sometimes it helps them when I name a feeling before they do.
If you haven't felt heard lately, my way of coaching can accomplish that for my clients. Book a free intro call to see our fit.
It’s perfectly okay to ask for support. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. While I believe everyone is their own best expert, I’m also a big believer in asking for help to create change together. It’s comforting to have someone by our side as we go through transitions. If you’re feeling motivated to expand your comfort zone and curious about how I can support you on your journey, let’s talk.
A blind spot doesn't announce itself — someone else usually feels it first. Online leadership coaching gives you a way to find yours before your team does.
References:
Gottman, J. M. (1993). The roles of conflict engagement, escalation, and avoidance in marital interaction: A longitudinal view of five types of couples. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 61(1), 6–15. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.61.1.6
