Becoming Comfortably Uncomfortable During Self-Development
TL;DR:
Shame acts as a powerful barrier to self-development, often rooted in early experiences of criticism that become an internalized voice telling us we're not enough. Opening up about it in a safe, non-judgmental space — however uncomfortable — is the first step toward relief.
In Ladders, Mac Miller raps about resilience and perseverance through obstacles, especially on the journey of life, supported by continuous self-development. There’s a line capturing discomfort
“And you know you’re dead wrong, you in love with a lie”
Hinting at the moment when you eventually have to face yourself and what your mind tried to hide from you throughout the years, usually out of shame.
No matter how many hours we put into self-development, shame stays with us. It always lingers around the pivotal moment before we admit something to our supporter – and ourselves! - acting as a barrier before a breakthrough that we must step over to eventually feel relief.
Shame can become so towering above us, that it might prevent us from even starting our personal development journeys and making us doubt if the journey is even worth it. Just because of how uncomfortable it feels.
Reacting to shame with avoidance is completely natural and common, usually stemming from a moment (or unfortunately multiple moments) when our past self felt belittled or ashamed for who we were at that moment. * Macdonald, J., & Morley, I. (2001).
During a recent session a client mentioned that she heard the voice of her father, telling her that her ideas were worthless, and she was never going to “make it” in any part of her life. It was devastating to hear at that moment, so we can only imagine how destructive it was to her younger self.
Feeling deeply ashamed, she decided to prove her worth by thinking about ways to solve troubles before her. She spent so much time thinking that it turned into procrastination as her father’s voice kept telling her, she wasn’t going to solve it, that she’s not enough. No reassurance either, as procrastination blocked action almost entirely.
She couldn’t tell me what happened right away, as it was hidden for so long; she learned how to avoid this painful topic entirely. Shame was pulling on both of her shoulders like boulders, one side making her remember how she was seemingly not enough and the other side to say this out loud, in front of a “stranger”.
When I asked her what made her share anyway, she told me that once she realized she was holding onto it for too long, she felt exhausted and needed relief; and as we were in a non-judgmental space, she felt vulnerable but safe. So, she decided to try opening up, just this once.
As you can imagine the immediate moment after was not joyous, it was heavy with emotions, but she cracked a faint smile anyway, as she started to feel pride as well.
She reconnected to her being proud of herself for enduring all these years despite the lack of emotional support and her being brave enough to open up about a feeling that had been dragging her down, not knowing how to deal with it.
“Somehow, we gotta find a way
No matter how many miles it takes”
If you’ve been holding onto shame for too long yourself and you don’t want to carry it alone anymore, I offer free intro calls to let us see how I can help you. I’ll gladly accompany you on your self-development journey.
*Macdonald, J., & Morley, I. (2001). Shame and non-disclosure: A study of the emotional isolation of people referred for psychotherapy. British Journal of Medical Psychology, 74, 1–21. https://doi.org/10.1348/000711201160731
It’s perfectly okay to ask for support. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. While I believe everyone is their own best expert, I’m also a big believer in asking for help to create change together. It’s comforting to have someone by our side as we go through transitions. If you’re feeling motivated to expand your comfort zone and curious about how I can support you on your journey, let’s talk.
If this felt closer to home than expected, please know, you're not alone. Online life coaching exists for exactly this kind of "I can't quite name it yet."
