Your Ego Cannot Be Paid in Full
TL;DR:
The article explores how unspoken expectations can turn generosity and friendship into transactions, leaving us bitter when others fail to meet needs we never communicated. We can reclaim our power by clearly expressing those needs or accepting the relationship as it is, rather than silently waiting to be repaid.
This article is the work of two friends who met on Substack. They’ve written it through acceptance, and the ideas reflect that they both embrace differences. Please open your heart with curiosity if you can.
When you registered, you thought you’d be discovered for original thoughts. You believed your uniqueness will bring the audience to your door. But a band of crickets filled the emptiness in the activity tab instead.
You switched tactics and started to look for possible companions, who seemed to be friendly and spent more time online than you could. After weeks of engagement, the scale still felt tipped.
“Alone in the wind and the rain, you left me
It’s getting dark, darling, too dark to see
And I’m on my knees, and your faith in shreds, it seems”*
Life gives us so many opportunities for genuine connection and friendship, but what do either of these words really mean?
Our world is built on transactions.
Give a little of your time, effort, intention, love, and get back a little. Give a lot, we can expect a lot, right?
I take Jeff's call every single time. He's always in crisis. I listen and try and share my experience, to help if I can. It seems like he never listens because he always comes back with the same problems, over and over... and over.
He never asks me how I am; it's all about him.
It feels like he's sucking all my energy. This relationship just isn't working for me anymore. I think I need to cut Jeff off completely.
I hear a version of this story almost every day, in my work and in my life, online and offline, and it got me thinking.
What defines a good relationship? What "energy" is the other person sucking out of me, and how do they do that anyway? Does my level of energy, love, and self-worth come from an unspoken expectation that I should get back to what I'm giving so "freely"?
Do all of these questions actually miss the mark, because I believe that love and fulfillment come from outside of me?
In Hinduism, Krishna speaks of Karma Yoga which is acting from a place of love without expecting anything in return.
If I listen to Jeff only because I expect him to eventually listen to me, this is a business transaction, not a friendship. Real connection asks us to give love because it's our true nature, not because we want or need a payout.
The Sufi mystic Rumi looked at friendship to dissolve the ego. In Sufism, the other person is your mirror.
So, If Jeff is "draining" me, what is this draining feeling showing about my own ego? Am I upset because Jeff's hurting, or because Jeff isn't feeding my need to be a successful savior?
Christianity follows the concept of Agape which represents a love that doesn't keep score.
In Buddhism it's called loving kindness, which tells me that if someone can drain my energy, my peace was never really mine to begin with.
Taoism just says: be water. Let people pour their grief into you and let it pass through, with no ego for it to get snagged on.
Every spiritual tradition I know of addresses this, in its own way and with its own traditions. This seems to have happened organically, across thousands of years with no contact between them.
When many independent sources come to the same truth, it's hard to call it coincidence. Letting go of ego-attachment to being repaid flows through all spirituality and tries to open your eyes to see one idea. It might feel easiest to experience Jeff as a problem to eliminate but maybe he's the mirror Rumi was talking about.
There is a deeper question here. When we provide our presence as value, we expect what we need in return, ignoring what our friends can give us. But did they ever promise to offer to solve our needs in return?
At the start you felt that you didn’t need anything, you gave for the joy of it. Picked up the phone in seconds, read their thoughts after they published them. You were truly there supporting them. After months’ worth of imbalance, it’s completely human to have doubts cross your mind leaving you with loneliness. You’re not a bad person for having expectations.
Be them online or offline friends; the mirror glares at us questioning our intentions and offering feelings that we might not have anticipated. One common feeling is bitterness that doesn’t spoil their meal, it’s ours to taste.
That foul taste is the product of unmet expectations, that we failed to communicate.
If you imagine looking at yourself eye to eye in the mirror, it’s always clear who has a chance to create change. You decide how to move forward.
Let us give you two real options.
For one: what if you could communicate your needs? What if you picked up the phone yourself and told Jeff, “I need you to listen to me and be here for me the best way you can”?
The idea of “but it’s their turn to ask” is evasive and will only stir the resting bitter taste again. It’s pointing the finger to settle on moral high ground without trying to build connection. Maybe this is how the taste appeared in the first place. We can do better although it takes effort, I will give you that.
For the second: how could you truly accept somebody for who they are? This includes all the love and attention they can give you - or the lack of it - without holding onto expectations. There’s a delicate balance between accepting somebody while not feeling bitter and stopping to support someone out of spite and accepting that someone has so much to give, with an open heart.
When you decide to look into the mirror you have to decide between stepping up for yourself or accepting the relationship for what it is. Neither is comfortable, both are yours to make, and this is your life to live. You make the decisions that might be hidden from you. But they are there if you know how to look.
As soon as you tell the world what you need it opens space for negotiation. Oh yes, stating your needs doesn’t mean Jeff is ready to provide. You both, however, can start to look for what could work, for the both of you. And there lies the beauty of an equal relationship. But it can also mean that it will end there and you should be ready to accept that too.
It’s absurd to expect Jeff to change on a whim if he has been like that for two decades. We would ask you: what kept you acting the same for that long? The crickets won’t stop playing either if you don’t reach out first. You already know what you have to do, but might be afraid to take the step, and that is okay.
Bitterness will stay, unless you dilute it.
The distinction is important to emphasize giving your power back, your responsibility. This responsibility might feel heavy, uncomfortable but also means that you care about the outcome. That is the creative energy that could close chasms.
As for truly accepting somebody for who they are:
But how do I protect my energy? Every time I give without reciprocity, I feel drained and exhausted. I can’t just give all the time, I’ve heard there are energy vampires, and I feel Jeff might be one of them. How do you deal with them?
That’s the real question and we’ll see you with it in the next one.
“I begged you to hear me, there’s more than flash and bones
Let the dead bury their dead and they will come out in droves
But take the spade from our hands and fill in the holes you made”*
References:
Thistle & Weeds – Mumford & Sons
It’s perfectly okay to ask for support. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. While I believe everyone is their own best expert, I’m also a big believer in asking for help to create change together. It’s comforting to have someone by our side as we go through transitions. If you’re feeling motivated to expand your comfort zone and curious about how I can support you on your journey, let’s talk.
If you found yourself nodding along more than once, that's worth paying attention to. Online life coaching can help you figure out what to do with it.
