Who Is Protecting Who(m)?
TL;DR:
The people we call energy vampires cannot drain something that does not belong to any one person and never runs out. What exhausts us is often our struggle with unmet expectations, separation, and the belief that giving must always be repaid.
This is part 2 of our look at energy vampires. In Who Is Draining Who(m)? we started with our friend Jeff who seems to always be sapping our energy, leaving us feeling depleted and a little frustrated. He needs us all the time but never seems to have time for us when we need him.
We finished off the last article with a few questions. But how do I protect my energy? Every time I give without reciprocity, I feel drained and exhausted. I can’t just give all the time, I’ve heard there are energy vampires, and I feel Jeff might be one of them. How do you deal with them?
“It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind”*
It’s important that I explain my baseline thoughts on this so that where I’m coming from will make sense. There is one energy available to us at all times. The energy of love. Not the beautiful, tender, needy, greedy, conditional human love. The love that makes the mushrooms and the trees talk. The love that creates a raindrop. This energy of love never goes anywhere. Nobody can own it.
You can’t insult it out of someone or withhold it to get what you want. Nobody can take this love from you. It’s literally who we all are underneath the often-dysfunctional programming. You can turn on this tap of love and let it run through you 24/7 and the flow will only continue getting stronger. Human relationships come with scorecards. That’s the way that we’re taught it works. Give some, get less, bad. Give some, get more, good followed immediately by, we need to even the scales.
Always giving without receiving anything in return does feel draining, we give you that, and argue your energy being drained and the bitter feeling you might feel starts with you. The tension you feel is real, not everyone out there is looking for ways not to cause harm or fill the holes in your heart.
We hear you saying submissively: “I’m tired of giving, I feel exhausted and have lost all my motivation to hold the relationship on my shoulder alone. I need this to end.”
Before jumping to conclusions, let’s exhale and take a step back. Let’s try a thought experiment and shift perspectives for 5 minutes. Try to imagine an unbothered garden that your grandmother might call neglected, almost wild. When you look at this garden, what feels out of place to you? What would you intuitively like to remove?
Under the shades of old trees with winding canopies, among lush bushes that shelter a vast animal kingdom, and right next to flowers providing a table for pollinators you might see plants that are harsh and unapologetic as they strive for the sun’s attention.
The weeds you might be thinking of have a reputation similar to energy vampires, seemingly draining valuable energy that we instinctively try to protect and keep as much as we can for ourselves. If you had an amazing childhood toddling around after your grandmother as she worked in her garden, the urge to remove every weed might feel like second nature to you. It is a projection, however.
This projection feeds on the ego’s struggle with being alone. In our minds this selective exclusion creates an environment where all the energy present could be absorbed by what we consider important: trees, bushes, flowers, and ourselves. Survival cannot happen through selfishness.
Let’s be honest. Without our sense of separation, none of us would have made it this far. “Thanks ego, for all the years of not standing in fires or launching ourselves off cliffs thinking we’re invincible. But look, things have gotten a bit out of hand.”
For most of us, we’ve let the ego take over completely and experience being separate from others as our reality. We spend our whole lives trying to figure out how to feel connected from that place.
Love, encouragement, support from others, connect us to that place in ourselves where those things exist. Our connection to the limitless energy of love is always there, regardless of what we think is given to us from outside. If we disconnect from others from anywhere but that place, we will continue to be separate. This can feel like an impossibly big ask of ourselves.
Watching Jeff ignore my calls until he needs me, talk about himself endlessly, always ask me for things, these are all examples of him suffering in his sense of separateness.
With energy, there’s nothing to protect. It is not yours, theirs, or anyone else’s.
Permaculture is based on a simple idea: grow plants only in habitats where their ecological needs can be met. If a plant dies because of a weed, it was never in the right place to begin with. In nature, everything is in balance. Trees need bushes to shelter smaller animals, which help keep the habitat in check, not letting anything dominate. Trees and shrubs need flowers to cover the ground to prevent it from drying out. In return, the trees will provide protective shade from the harsh midday sun in summer. And the weeds?
They signal that a vital nutrient is missing from the soil. Their job is to help restore that nutrient and “force” plants around them to survive their struggle. If the plants succeed, they become stronger, and the weeds eventually retreat. This can happen if the nosy gardener waits long enough and allows nature to restore its balance on its own. In this way, the energy remains where it belongs: in the soil and in every living being, no matter how small.
Something that never runs out. When we experience being separate from others and from love, we leak energy. Physical energy, mental energy. This drain can also manifest as righteousness wearing an anger suit or the frustration of unmet expectations. The obvious culprit is the other. Any other.
Take a 2-year-old throwing a tantrum at the grocery store. They’re doing this because something is challenging their sense of identity. Maybe they missed their nap, or you just put the box of sugar cereal that they swept into the cart back on the shelf. Their anger/sadness/frustration isn’t taking anything from you, it can’t, but it feels exhausting. We can show frustration, pick them up and put them in the cart, tell them to stop crying. The one thing that will determine how it goes is where the action comes from. Is it a place of love? Of embarrassment of what other people think? Of anger or frustration because kids are supposed to listen?
Getting through to them at such a time can only be done if the action comes from love. It’s the same with Jeff and it’s the same with your least favorite politician. Sometimes we need to put people out of our life, but we need to put them out with love. This is important, not put them out with human love, a love that judges and expects. Put them out with an “I see you there stuck in your skin suit and man this time around’s been a doozy. I’m not hanging around for any more of your karma, but I love you so much”.
The first step toward accepting love as a universal energy is intellectual, and it takes courage. It asks you to understand the emotional consequences of being attached to your ego’s desires and to accept that energy does not belong to anyone. It is ours to share. Within our garden, we cannot remove something without facing the consequences. There might be a small being whose entire life depends on the plant we label a weed. If we tip the scales by removing it, we might disturb a balance we never noticed.
If the idea remains vague, try this someday when you feel the pull: help someone without expecting anything in return, and mean it. Do it for the love of life. Do it with an open heart, and accept them as they are, but do not tell them what you are doing. Do not imply that you are above them, because no one is. We are one. Their struggle will resonate with you, and your alignment will inspire others.
Remember the weeds we wanted to pull. We mistook them for pests, even though the garden needed them too. If you remove them, you also remove the vitality that could contribute to further growth. Jeff might not be in a place where he can give with love, but his behavior signals something to you: you still expect something from him.
Allow your heart to break open and understand that there is nothing you can hold on to, only love.
“So come out of your cave, walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s land”*
References:
*The Cave - Mumford & Sons
It’s perfectly okay to ask for support. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. While I believe everyone is their own best expert, I’m also a big believer in asking for help to create change together. It’s comforting to have someone by our side as we go through transitions. If you’re feeling motivated to expand your comfort zone and curious about how I can support you on your journey, let’s talk.
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