Carl Rogers Taught Me To Listen With Love
TL;DR:
My wife recently called being married to a coach a "cheat code", but ten years of stubborn egos, loud arguments, and slow-earned empathy tell a different story. This is part of our story, and why the same capacity that helped our marriage is what I bring into every coaching session.
The Dusty Dance
Me being an identity coach is a cheat code for our marriage. Not my words, a recent confession by my wife. Lower your eyebrows; we aren't perfect, nor was our relationship free from loud conversations. Especially in the beginning when we had to endure our relationship in a long-distance setup for eight months, seeing each other for stolen hours over weekends.
That didn't help either, that our egos are fiercely independent. Our arguments sometimes ended up like we were due galli dancing around each other kicking up dust with their colorful feathers. Can look hilarious from the outside, less so from the inside.
We tried to talk through arguments after the dust settled but could never really prevent them from getting to a place of emotional hurt repeatedly. God sees our souls we tried.
The problem was never cognitive; it was always emotional.
When we danced our dusty dance, we completely shut the ears of our souls to throw empathy out through the nearest window and started to believe that our truth is the one and only truth. We completely believed the other side was negligent, careless, almost even harmful with intention.
If you'd known my wife, you would describe her as the truest person on this planet, somebody who could never cross a line without having existential dread that she crossed it. That's how pure she is, and I know that. I, on the other hand, am someone who understands the grayness between worlds.
Morally, she is black and white; I'm the 256 gradients in between.
When the balance tipped because I might have interpreted truth a little more colorfully, she became rightfully pissed off. In those moments, a 4D chess of incongruence started. On the cognitive level, we were both right, because in our worlds, we were, and we argued against facts on the surface. But within, we felt betrayed; we felt our perception of each other collapsed because we looked at it through our own lens. As we danced like roosters, the debate spiraled. Instead of soul level connection and redemption, we turned our backs on each other.
Quieter, Not Solved
Lately, we noticed a change in our dance. No, not those "suddenly everything has changed miraculously" facade kind. The one that takes ten years of work toward one goal, to have fun together and practice how we will grow old together kind. Our disagreements became gentler. They went from being full-blown Greek weddings to bursts of venting sessions and long hugs as aftermath.
Now, before you turn away assuming everything's peachy, it isn't. We believe in checks and balances and raising a beautiful soul as our child together certainly brings up questions such as how often a child should eat ice cream, or when they should start learning foreign languages. The important kind, that pressure tests the very foundation of any relationship, with the caveat, that how you handle your emotional maturity will become their entire world. Yeah, talk about pressure, not to mess things up for a tiny human.
That cannot be handled on a cognitive level either.
What will keep us together is the ever-deepening empathy toward ourselves, toward each other and toward our child, in this order. I shall tell you why in a later piece.
This empathy is the cornerstone of how we turn to one another. We try our best to understand and feel that we are allowed to have bad days, where somebody might need just a little more attention and acceptance. We allow ourselves to crumble in the presence of the other and can take turns to support the emotional rebound. We don't rush anything.
Standing strong on the cornerstone, we act as we believe we feel we should act. We practice sharing what our souls desire and then act accordingly. When something feels off or forced, we try not to hedge and pick up passive aggressive hatchets. We try to catch those early, burying them before swinging.
Lastly, we remember whom we fell unapologetically in love with. When we met, we were still learning what being an adult with more responsibilities than washing dishes meant. There were no earthly riches, fame, status, or majestic beards in the picture. Just two souls who saw each other truly and accepted the promise, that if such a thing existed, we might have been meant for each other.
The Same Capacity
When she mentioned the cheat code, she almost forgot that we've been together for ten years now and we both work hard to keep it together. Yes, a romantic relationship and a marriage are the toughest and longest work you will never receive a penny for. Nevertheless, it's your best interest to give it everything you have. What I have learned about person-centeredness certainly helps, but without her, our marriage remains one-armed.
We remained the same people on the surface; it's our capacities that have grown throughout the years. We shook our attitudes and stopped believing our separate truths are the only truths that we must force onto each other. Before reacting, we learned to ask questions, not to assume what's on the other's mind. This is tricky though, not a universal dogma, but something we build up again in each and every conversation, together, argument by argument without judging.
I use the same capacity to help others figure out which way is right for them, when they reach the edge of their known identity. When they kick rocks into the abyss only to hear their knocking echo, empathy offers them a solid handle to face what they might have been afraid of admitting. It's unglamorous and uncomfortable work but you don't have to do it alone.
I can't and won't teach you anything I wrote about here, but I can help you reconnect with what you might find when the dust settles. I also hear you say that the concepts are abstract, and you're right. Don't believe me without proof. Let me show you how I put most of it into practice.
Disclaimer:
I'm not a psychologist but learned a lot about psychology while I was studying the role of psychology in the art of coaching at university from licensed psychologists. Coaching cannot replace therapy, but there are times when coaching fits a client better. However, there's a solid boundary between the two; that line shall never be crossed by ethical practitioners. I wholeheartedly believe in empathy and follow a humanistic tradition with my style that's rooted in person-centered theory, believing in the client's autonomy at all times.
It’s perfectly okay to ask for support. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. While I believe everyone is their own best expert, I’m also a big believer in asking for help to create change together. It’s comforting to have someone by our side as we go through transitions. If you’re feeling motivated to expand your comfort zone and curious about how I can support you on your journey, let’s talk.
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